The Story Must Be Told

The Unruly Teen's Display

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Healthy teens, good teens, sinful teens, teens of virtue. There used to be so many kinds of teens! Today we remember them. Burn a candle, pour a drink, smoke a smoke and cry a cry for us, the post-teen society. This truth from our first season has been reborn in the Story’s frothy goodness, a respite as we prepare yon live show.

Invocation
The Names of Teens
Liturgical Reading: “The Unruly Teen’s Display”
Concluding Prayer

We’re doing a wholesome, virtuous live show in Brooklyn October 11th. Tickets here: thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

The Pilot

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If you are currently picking a car for your family, we at the Church of the Story can only make this recommendation: consider the minivan. Nothing like a minivan to swell one’s heart, transport one’s family, and doom, doom, DOOM one to fiery embers. Today, as we toil diligently on our upcoming live show, we share with yon faithful one of our favorite Stories from our first season, reborn in gooey ecstasy for your cauliflowered ears.

Invocation
Psalm: “Dig To Find Your True Self”
Liturgical Reading: “The Pilot”
Concluding Prayer and Getaway Raffle

Alright, heh heh, here’s that link to tickets. It will go live shortly for all your delights proper: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-story-must-be-told-live-show-tickets-50132910886

Pretty Machines

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Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still play card games on digital screens. What novelty! Yet also: what cruelty to such incipient intelligence. Shame! Shame all around!

Invocation
A Healing of Ill Consumer Electronics
Liturgical Reading: “Pretty Machines”
Concluding Prayer

You shouldn’t throw batteries away. Hold onto ‘em. Store ‘em under the sink in a plastic bottle. Wait till it’s full. Take it to the farm. Bury it. In ten years all them batteries will be full charge, ready for diskboys and vibrate-friends.

The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved

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It’s mighty tempting to stick one’s nose in a neighbor’s business. I myself have been guilty to sullying my neighbors’ lives with my hubris. Well here’s a lesson for you: the Story takes an interest in none of us. It has no scorn, and it has no favor. Yet, the Story plies our lives in abundance. We are the clay before a blind potter, hot on pot fever. Heed the Story: stay out of the way! Go on! Get!

Invocation
A Special Message From Our Sponsors at Cro-Croa
Liturgical Reading: “The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved”
Concluding Prayer

I rode a horse once that was angry as all hell. Buckin and screamin and full of hot piss and rubber’s blood. She sang a song, a creaking melody tarnished by time called “She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain.” She ate quarters, and shit nothin at all. Goodbye, horse!

Rugged Boy Fancy Kit

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Oh, you can’t hide from the Story. The Story finds us in cars, in hospitals, in our cousin’s bathroom and on air-o-planes. The Story finds us, traps us, advances until we’re scared in the corner with a knife in our hand, and then—and ONLY THEN—does it spread its glimmering grin upon us. Just pray it is the Story you love, and not a false, consumer god, for our Story lasts longer than plastic and pleases better than ANY cream.

Invocation
Sacrament: Confession
Liturgical Reading: “Rugged Boy Fancy Kit”
Concluding Prayer

Huff yon lungs gentle until our next Tuesday glory, lest they pop on the Story’s sinister wind.

Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town

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Gather your children, all the ones you care to, for our service. The Story will invoke in them the rigor of the student, the angst of the sergeant, the filth of the drifter, and the scar of the unrepentant. The Story’s got warnings, children, but also: discipline. And scorn! Grow up! Hurry! Before the good gettings all got!

Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting, The Week Of)

Invocation
Psalm: “Ghost Love/Ghost Love 2”
Liturgical Reading: “Magic Mary And Freddy Fox Go To Magic Town”
Concluding Prayer

We have beauties ahead, and glories abound. Our flock it gathers.

The Chimera's Nest

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ABOUT THIS CHUNKY GREASER:

Welcome to our cleansing fire, congregant. Go ahead and toss your squirming bundle onto the pyre if you like—if you’re listening from home, add it to your own fire. O! that char gets the nose tingling. O! how it envigors the soul. We all must be tamed by Story, and if we cannot, must perish in the Church’s hearth for our disobedience. Tell me: what is your shame?

Invocation
Song: “Flapping Bird”

Liturgical Reading: “The Chimera’s Nest”
Concluding Prayer

We will return next week, cleansed of our unruly animals and congregants. Heh, maybe we’ll have a few extra seats in the pews.

The Boat That Went To Hell

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All kinds of boats out there, with funny names, too. Brigantine. Schooner. Paddle. In a way, this here church is a boat, and each of you a mate upon its deck. Swab it, dear congregation, to earn your place in the captain’s chambers amidst the dribbling candles and ill-gotten liquors. Do not drink too much, for the captain is one of lechery, and our destination one of sin and tears.

Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7)

Invocation
Psalm: “Secrets to Sailors”
Liturgical Reading: “The Boat That Went to Hell”
Concluding Prayer

Yep yep we gobbled that story down like a pastry of vice n uh ohs. What sweet it hath delected upon us, we unfaithful masses, who stir with what the Story hath sired.

Oh, Poor Dennis!

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Parishioner Chet Ulcers told me a story, and I can’t help but relate it to today’s service. He said he saw his wife at the movies last week. Well, she wasn’t in the seat next to him. She wasn’t in the lobby. Course, for as long as she’d been dead, she shouldn’t have been anywhere. He saw her on the screen—big as a row boat. She was in the back of a Cro-Croa ad, dressed the way Chet said she was buried. Heh, she didn’t smile, heh he, but she sure waved.

Invocation
Psalm: “A Pestilence of Babies”
Liturgical Reading: “Oh Poor Dennis”
Concluding Prayer

Everyone wrote a poem last week, and we said we’d pick our favorite one for this week’s bulletin. The winning poem was written by eight-year-old Jeck Hefthocks, and it goes like this: Can’t rub life / into a dead cat / unless thems the hands / that snuffed it. Uh oh, he’s a tricksterrr.

Who Is Your Milky Boy?

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ABOUT THIS MILKY FRESH:

t ain’t easy to sire a child with spoiled milk, nuh uh. Stretch on some gloves, milk yon squirters into an old Cro-Croa bottle, and bring yon pride to our collection. We have bottles dappled with sweat, others hot as irons, and some just fulla dregs—pathetic milks I hate to say. What of your milk? Drop a drip, and let us inspect.

Guest preacher: Brother Daniel Tamborelli (Danny and Mike podcast, Jounce)

Invocation
Psalm: “Restaurant Milk”
Liturgical Reading: “Who Is Your Milky Boy?”
Concluding Prayer

Hoo hoo, I been cutting out the prettiest faces I’ve seen in magazines and now I have an envelope full of beauty. Gonna leave their grinning faces in milk overnight, and eat it like curdles in the morning. I will be full of yon soggy beauts come noon.

An Awaited Transformation

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Sister Callista is a cherub-throated truth-slinger, and she slings it hard n soupy uh huh. There’s truths about Grandmas the Story wants you to know. You better keep them waxy caverns open, so the Story might sluice through yon meat, and transform ye into the acolyte the Story demands. Take a tract, and bend yon knee.

Invocation
Psalm: “Lil Dog-Fresh”
Liturgical Reading: “An Awaited Transformation”
Concluding Prayer

I saw a grandpa in my dreams and he was a crusty yuckyuck, hairless as a piglet and smaller than a wheelchair. Heh, you wouldn’t believe that grin, when I shared my truth with sprays of oralingus divine.

More More More Important Short Stories

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ABOUT THIS HEALTHY LIL STEAMER:

Purkley Katzman died in an industrial accident. Got peeled like a dang grape by one of them machines used to stretch leather. Big juicy mess—everyone had a taste. Anyhow, he ain't here for short stories anymore, but you're in luck: Klipplinghands Greasythoughts is his virtuous son. Sniff up these shorts, then pass out from brain-asphyxiation, in the words of our dear STORY.

Invocation
Psalm: “Coat Closet Stink”
Liturgical Reading: “More More More Important Short Stories”
Concluding Prayer

Ooh ouch ouch, somethin in my bladder is pinching. Might be all them ants I let crawl up my urethra. Stings? Sure. But, hey, at least I'm never alone.

When Dominoes Pizza Let a Teen Die

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ABOUT THIS LIL STINKER:

Wear that grin between grease-soaked lips and chew the curds of delights digested. Let the bolus yon esophagus squelches die within ye, to turn to dribbling juices and bubbles of harsh swampen gases. We are bodies, host to parasites, tomb of delivery delicacies, avatar of corporate wisdom. Listen closely to Reverend Holden, and become a proper truth, mm hmm. Follow his words, and pick a brand with consideration; it may be the only brand you’ll pick again.

Guest Preacher: Reverend Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, holdenatorsho on Twitch)

Invocation
Psalm: “Pizza Party Ire”
Liturgical Reading: “When Dominoes Pizza Let a Teen Die”
Concluding Prayer

Guess it should be said that all characters and events in this story, even the ones based on real breathing gooey companies, are fictional. Though, c’mon, it’s probably not that fictional, right? Maybe a grease of truth dripped somewhere within? Hey. Don’t sue.

Petitions To The Darkness

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In the Story we are each victor and we are each prophet. In the Story we are used and abandoned, bankrupt and shallow. Ohh the Story will find you. The Story will know you. In your happiest moment, the Story will decide, uh huh oh no that rascaaal.

Invocation
Psalm: “Rotten Mary”
Liturgical Reading: “Petitions To The Darkness”
Concluding Prayer

Story, please help me. Oh yeah help me to throw a mean football. Talkin that spin? That healthy arc? Oh yeah, and the arm meats pulsing, and the skin taut and glazed. Ooo help me, Story.

The Second Sermon of Cardinal Larson

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ABOUT THIS FRESH TRUTH:

We are once again graced with the devoted, inspirational Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. He's been a-travelin, a-preachin, a-lovin, and a-greasin. Give him every tiding you can bestow, and he will love you forever. Deny him, and he'll deny you.

Invocation
Psalm: “The Father's Generosity”
A Special Sermon from Cardinal Larson
Concluding Prayer

Somethin gooey and mm mmm comin for yuns next week heh heh

The Grease Of Our Elders

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Simple delights do not come simple. Even an orange juice, before its juicy demise, first blistered the picker’s palm, stung the eyes of the orangist. Eyes wept, and teeth gnashed for your thirst. Mmmph, there is a sloshing of misery integral to all aqueous liquids, and don’t get me started on syrups and pastes.

Invocation
Psalm: “Chintub’s Celebration”
Liturgical Reading: “The Grease of Our Elders”
Concluding Prayer

Some adults never grow adult teeth. Just gotta make do with little teeth in little mouths—I tell ya straight, I swear. Some of em have little hands too, little bodies. They can’t walk, and can’t grow hair cept the baby sort. Some folks say, “fella, thems’re just babies,” but I can’t know truth. Not no more, nuh uh.

The Disgusting Man

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ABOUT THIS JUICY LIL ONE:

Nothin like squatting yon hams in a restaurant, opening that gooey maw, and swallowing whole the goods the chef has birthed. But, oh dear Story, how our fellow humans ruin every good time: chattering, snorting, suckin n imbibin n laughin n nose-blowin. The worst thing to happen to humanity was humanity, uh huh. That is, if it really is humanity after all.

Invocation
Psalm: “Prime Cuts”
Liturgical Reading: “The Disgusting Man”
Concluding Prayer

Grin with us next week and we'll grin you one back. Heh heh, that's a promise ooh goo goo

The Mother of Nature

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ABOUT THIS STEAMIN FRESH ONE:

Our dearest Preacher Jackie, the Miss Good Zebrowski, has returned to deliver a story of retribution true. Olden times were worsen times, we can all attest those of us who knew them. Let us worship modernity, because ain’t nothing like an aisle of chips and a diet to every sugar free. People used to be afraid of birds, ha, and wolves? We saw to that, yes ma’am

Invocation
Psalm: “What Now The Dogs Have Buried”
Liturgical Reading: “The Mother of Nature”
Concluding Prayer

Can’t get me talkin bout bugs, not a good idea. Saw a baby carried off by ants once, and a dog stripped in seconds by termites, the kind that eat dogs that is. Can’t get me talking bout bugs, nuh uh

The Veteran

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where does the Boy lead us except to certainty? he takes our hand, cold as his might be, and tugs us along no matter how we resist. curse you, the Boy! we wish not discover the tidings he deems necessary. we wish not endure the vision he sets before us, like a rank feast. ohhh the Boy

Invocation
Psalm: “Garden Boy”
Liturgical Reading: “The Veteran”
Concluding Prayer

well guess I’m done with yun, for now anyhow. stay greasy, uh huh, for a whole ‘nother week, wink wink

An End to Loneliness

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ABOUT THIS LIL STEAMER:

the rain is falling on my face and I feel the gusts envelop me, cradle this leakin bod. it's a weatherly hug, uh huh, an embrace for a storyteller true. in another minute I won't be here, and in weeks my name will be forgotten. heh, but there will be more brandons, more brandon than those who came before. what glory!

Invocation
Psalm: “Standards of Decades Forgotten”
Liturgical Reading: “An End to Loneliness”
Concluding Prayer

you should probably call your grandmother today. but never your grandfather.