The Story Must Be Told

Iron Churnsly - Guest Preacher Jake Young

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Copper! Aluminum! Iron! These are METALS. We are made out of some of them, but only in pathetic, insulting quantities. We hardly register to magnets, and our capacity to conduct is negligible! May we scorn flesh, and praise metal! METAL—the most cost-effective conduit of Story proper.

Guest Preacher: Jake Young (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, Cartoon Hell on dropout.tv, @bestjakeyoung)

Invocation
Psalm: “Greasy”
Liturgical Reading: “Iron Churnsly”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday will be the day the Story finds you and finally robs you of your will to resist the Story.

Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

The whole world blooms with seeds, but some seeds are unknown, some pollens unnatural—what is sown surprises. We welcome all unknowns, because when they spell out our demise, they use novel letters and innovative techniques. We can learn from a grisly undoing done cleverly, but what we cannot learn is to not be undone. Darn!

Invocation
Psalm: “Hungry Man Dinner”
Liturgical Reading: “Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One”
Concluding Prayer

Return to us Tuesday and the Story will be waiting for you.

When You Watch Me

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ABOUT THIS HEFTY CHUNKLET:

This one is for you, in all your greasy splendor. Do you like it when I talk about your greases? Heh heh, yeah, that's what I thought. Ooh, you better listen to this one, because you're a part of it, and soon, it will be all you remember.

Invocation

Psalm: “How to Swallow Loose Change for the Story”

Liturgical Reading: “When You Watch Me"

Concluding Prayer

We return on Tuesdays, Tuesday-style, and this next Tuesday will be no exception—OK?

Hoofs and Feet

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ABOUT THIS SWEET NEWBORN EPISODE:

A barnyard animal makes barnyard noises and behaves as though all the world, the very universe, is a barnyard. They kick up mud, and make a toilet of any dang carpet. We can learn gentle grace from our barnyard companions! We can learn to “take it easy,” and make our puddle wherever we do choose. Oh Story! Thank you for your profound examples to us, the congregation.

Invocation
Psalm: “Cory Had a Little Lamb”
Liturgical Reading: “Hoofs and Feet”
Concluding Prayer

Tuesday is the day the Story comes to life, groans sweetly, and crawls inside your ear. It’ll happen to you next Tuesday, squirm-style.

The New Consciousness in Town

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ABOUT THIS GREASY PLOPPIN’ TRUTH:

Few people die while waiting for an oil change. This Story seeks to change that. What better time to lay down and offer oneself to the Story than while your Oldsmobile undergoes a transformation from car sickly to car pure and fresh? Some of you might remember this Story from our lost, forgotten, “first season,” and it has returned to you like an obedient pup. Plump upon it, this episode of bonus Story truth.

Invocation
Psalm: “Drip”
Liturgical Reading: “The New Consciousness in Town”
Concluding Prayer

On Tuesday, we will be right and proper for you, dripping in the grease of Story profound.

Goodbye Hirsutaline

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Shh! Listen quietly! Ears listen, and someone is out there, aiming to take the Story down. Keep the Story inside you, like swallowing a big chunky pill called “Story.” Some pills are easy to swallow, but this one might catch inside you, or smear your greases with unknown side effects. Rub your tum, eat a cracker, and hold tight as we figure this alllll out.

Invocation
Psalm: “New Hair”
Liturgical Reading: “Goodbye Hirsutaline”
Concluding Prayer

Let’s promise each other, if we make it through this, we’ll meet here, in this same spot, for another Story pure. I love you.

The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in "Quick and Furious"

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Cardinal Larson is full of the Story’s writhing vigor, yet he thirsts! Even those bursting with the Story’s hefty goodness still demand a tangy Cro-Croa. But when shipments of the Story’s fizzy truth go missing, what is a Cardinal to do? Listen here, you hot shit, and plump on this here tale of deceit, classic Italian dishes, and Story pure.

Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Brighter Side podcast)

Invocation

Psalm: “Look Out Corpse Doctor”

The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious”

Concluding Prayer

Tuesday will come around again, like a goddamn rash. Don’t use lotion!


The Interceptor Part II

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

"The Story teased us true, teased us to deplete / If you only heard part 1, you knew Story incomplete." That’s a little couplet about the ignorance of even THINKING you could handle part 2 of a Story profound without a part 1 first, yeah, you betcha. Here, we indulge in the conclusion of The Interceptor, and meditate on this truth: what does it take for the Story to make you happy?

Invocation
Psalm: “A Doo Ra Ree”
Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part II”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday the Story will find out where you live and visit you STORYSTYLE.

A new shirt is for sale! Cro-Croa can now engulf you proper: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast/products/lpn-ts-crocroa

The Interceptor Part I

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

The human head is an opaque aquarium within which rude fish do swim. A fish named “envy,” an eel named “fantasy,” a crab so gross it should not be named. Who would wish to swim these waters, knowing how easy it is to be bitten?

Invocation

Psalm: “Hardyy”

Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part 1”

Concluding Prayer

Join us next Tuesday for the joyous conclusion: The Interceptor Part 2.

A new shirt is for sale, to Cro-Croa the Story all over thee: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast/products/lpn-ts-crocroa


Flies!

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Pardon our various infestations: ants, dogs, and wretchedness. Yes, the body of the church swarms with pestilence, but there is no cure. The best we can do is find good in the unwelcome, adapt our lives to enjoy nuisance.

Invocation
Psalm: “Not Tapioca”
Liturgical Reading: “Flies!”
Concluding Prayer

Next week we return with a fresh truth for your truthflesh to truth upon.

They Made A Strange Love - Guest Preacher Joe Pera

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ABOUT THIS TENDER HONEST STORY:

Love is like the faint reek of urine: it’s in the air. Breathe deep, brothers and sisters, and welcome the Story’s acid love into your mush of bronchial tubes. Become hamburger for your partner, mush between their fingers, and gel between their toes. Love can mean a lot, but to the Story, it means becoming a fine human paste.

Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (Joe Pera Talks with You, Dan Joe DVD Show)

Invocation
Psalm: “Rude Tattoos”
Liturgical Reading: “They Made a Strange Love”
Concluding Prayer

Join us next week, or we’ll find you.

The Ballad of Prepsa

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ABOUT THIS BLESSED PSALM:

Bubbles pop in my belly, a carbonated delight fizzles righteously. CRO-CROA. Mmm it goes down so smooth, and probably because it’s the only drink endorsed by the Story. So what then, does this mean of the “other drink” we refuse to name but must do so here? Yes. Yes: Prepsi. Listen and do discover, uh huh. For nothing righteous does fizzle from a liquid the Story denies.

Invocation
Introductory Story: “Goslings Gone Gooey”
Liturgical Psalm: “The Ballad of Prepsa”
Concluding Prayer

We return to you the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, until your bones are but calcified Story and your liquids but Hot Hot Cro-Croa.

New York City Girl

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ABOUT THIS LIL GREASY ONE:

Tee hee hee, the Story has a Story planned for you. Rough mornings, rude meetings, bad days, and rotten weeks, the Story has orchestrated each and every one. Ask yourself: why does the Story demand such punishment? Will it ever relent? Then answer yourself with a giddy, shrieking: NO.

Invocation
Psalm: “Rocks, Rocks, Rocks”
Liturgical Reading: “New York City Girl”
The Secret Words of the Story

Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.

The Bear Musician - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks

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The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cowardice before the agony of Story. This Story originally appeared in "Creepypasta XIII: A Meat's Dream" on Last Podcast on the Left. We relive this Story—sup upon its eager drips!

Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7)
Invocation
Psalm: “Check the Trunk”
Liturgical Reading: “The Bear Musician”
Concluding Prayer

Enjoy this special treat of Story pure. We return on Tuesday with your regularly scheduled service, sweet sweet.

More More More More More More More Short Stories

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

These stories are like the screams from Purkley Katzman's gnashing mouth as the gears did their work upon him: short, savory, juice-juicy. We honor stories both short and long, but today we hold a special place for those truths that punish the ear quickly. Sup upon each, and yearn! Yearn!

Invocation
Psalm: “I'm a Gym Teacher”
Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More More More Short Stories”
Concluding Prayer

The Story is ripe, and we chew it up and honk it down. Honk one with us next week as well, ooh ooh.

Ghosts Are Hazy Life

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Life is a spectrum, full of mushy inbetweens only alive enough to know pain. Not everything which is dead was once alive, but all that lives, however minutely, does perish. Ha! Haha! The Story teaches us even full life is but half life, and half life is but a web of memories disappearing. Squint and you can see it, but how easily it is brushed to threads. So the Story sayeth: ooooooOOooooohhhhh.

Invocation
Psalm: “The Agony Table”
Liturgical Reading: “Ghosts Are Hazy Life”
Concluding Prayer

Truths abound, Stories enflamed, we love the Story, we speak Its name. See your fresh greases next week squish squish.

Heart Of Worms

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Say goodbye to who you used to be, because the Story will replace your eyes, your mind, and your heart. O Story! Hollow me out, dump the refuse in the shitter, and fill me up with the ignorant stranger of Story. I don’t want to recognize my family, nor my dog. But I will always recognize the Story—obedient and eternal.


Invocation

Psalm: “Come Get Your Casserole”

Liturgical Reading: “Heart of Worms”

Concluding Prayer

Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.


The Wind

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Wooosh wooosh that’s the wind and it says, “I’m gonna getcha.” Oh, that nasty wind, always blowing foul tidings down our chimney, stirring ashes and breaking branches. Today, we read a Story about such a wind, and bow our heads in contrition so that it does not visit us.

Invocation
Psalm: “Seven Roys”
Liturgical Reading: “The Wind”
Concluding Prayer

Next week we will return with a Story true, hearts a-bursting, bowels a-rattling.

The House of Crispo Part II

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Brother Reid has recovered, though his mind is scrambled like a blood egg. He returns to finish the Story, and gulp of the Story’s fine juices. Boys grow disobedient, but the Story rectifies all trespasses through the purifying agony of Story. Story!

Invocation

Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 2”

Concluding Prayer

We love you and enjoy your presence. Join us again next Tuesday, perhaps on Spotify if you’re naughty heh heh.

Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”
vimeo.com/226796022
Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:
vimeo.com/297286015


The House of Crispo

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ABOUT THIS HOT, FRESH TRUTH:

Cherish the disobedient child. Cherish their ignorance. For only the rude and stupid can be enveloped into the heart of the Story. It is our duty to bring new, empty minds to the Story, to our homes, so it may fill them with the light of Story. Oh Story! May we harvest a human crop for you.

Invocation
Psalm: “The Light of the Father”
Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday we return. Next Tuesday, we finish this.

Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”
vimeo.com/226796022
Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:
vimeo.com/297286015