The Story Must Be Told

The Son of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds

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I’ll make you my son if you don’t behave, and you won’t like what happens to my sons. Ohh they do ALL of daddy’s chores, and of mommy they must anoint. It’s a threat, and it’s TRUE, whether you are mother, aunt, or nephew, you’ll all suffer as sons. This Story is a testament to how easily a son is named and exchanged, and how all sons grow inconvenienced on the turbulent winds of discourse.

Invocation
Psalm: “Anointed in Yoghurt”
Liturgical Reading: “The Son of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday is a day for treats, as the Story is once again gooily invoked.

Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”
vimeo.com/226796022
Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:
vimeo.com/297286015

Farm Fresh

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

The uterus should be called “the Story box” because it is where all our Stories begin! Nothing invigorates the Story like the squeals of an infant in the wet folds of a mother, or better yet, two infants, or three or four! Today, we hear the Story of a man who becomes mother, whose Story box writhed with Stories blessed.


Guest Preacher: Jared Logan (@JaredLogan)

Invocation

Psalm: “Cornshit”

Liturgical Reading: “Farm Fresh”

Concluding Prayer


Hoo hoo, hee hee, the Story dies and the story breathes. Next Tuesday, it will gunk us full of a new truth.


Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”

https://vimeo.com/226796022

Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:

https://vimeo.com/297286015


Overheard at the Party

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Many of you attended parties recently, to ring in a false year endorsed by no Story but by the liar we call “Calendar.” Do not congregate, least of all for the ringing of a false bell. For, by attending any gathering the Story does not endorse, you fall prey to every rude temptation! Illicit wares, rowdy conversation, and sounds you cannot unhear. Stay home, warm yourself with but the Story, and abandon any friend the Story does not already claim.

Invocation
Psalm: “A Thing Going ‘Round”
Liturgical Reading: “Overheard at the Party”
Concluding Prayer

This Story had to be told, and next week another will beg for similar justice. Ohhh, we cannot deny you.

Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”
vimeo.com/226796022
Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:
vimeo.com/297286015

Bonus Episode: The Stories of Heretical Christmas

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ABOUT THIS SEASONAL DELIGHT:

Our hearts are burdened with love for you, our dear congregation. Our arteries are full of well wishes! Our veins are clogged with oxygen-depleted wishes. We are a chugging machine whose only duty is to love you and make you feel the seasonal spirit of the Story.

That said, Christmas is a lie. Reject falsehood. Embrace the Story!

Invocation
Liturgical Reading: "The Wisest of the Them All"
Liturgical Reading: "He's Coming to Town"

Enjoy this present from the clergy here at The Story Must Be Told, of our heretical stories of the false holiday. We gave it to you last year, too. We will have another treat for you this coming Tuesday, so prepare yon bodies for the delights they shall endure.

We Wish You Were a Worm

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Dirt is a home for those who eat dirt, who take long naps in dirt, and mate, sloppy, in the dirt. As our bodies fall apart and our guts squish with painful gases, remember the dirt, a healthy place you will one day go. Have you considered how happy it will make your family?

Invocation
Psalm: “Rodney Has Sores”
Liturgical Reading: “We Wish You Were a Worm”
Concluding Prayer

The Story is born on a Tuesday, every Tuesday, and you better believe the next birth will be messsssssy.

Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” @tsmbtpod or our SoundCloud.

The Mathematics of Grocery Stores

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The grocer is our friend in commerce and our enemy in the Story. We do not deserve options for cereal, nor variety in our nut butters, whole wheat crackers, and lunchmeat. Give us but one choice, so that we might smack it up in our greedy mouths, and masticate masticate masticate. Hmmph. The Story alone is our satisfaction, and when food runs out, which it will, it alone will fill us.

Invocation
Psalm: “Web of Delights”
Liturgical Reading: “The Mathematics of Grocery Stores”
Concluding Admonition

The Story will return to you next week, hot as a ham, juicy as a coldcut. Sup sup!

It's My Right

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Every show on TV is sinful, shameful, and lacking in the Story. Does society and mainstream media intentionally shun the Story and its truths, or is it simply blind? The result is the same: the Story denies you. Listen as the Story denies our own congregant, Devon Harris, his simple joys, body, and sustenance. Listen, and learn this lesson: even at our lowest, the Story is yet waiting.

Invocation
Testimony: Devon Harris, divorcee
Liturgical Reading: “It’s My Right”
Concluding Sacrament
Spitting

Next week the Story will be waiting, for it exists in all weeks, outside of weeks—the Story is the week itself.

Gone and Still Here

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The songs I hear on the radio talk to me, and what they say no one should hear. Everything talks. The city breathes and sighs, and the fields caw and cry. Every creature makes sound, but not all are heard. Sometimes, a voice is lost, muffled, suffocated. Silence is proof of immeasurable loss.

Invocation
Psalm: “A Father’s Deception”
Liturgical Reading: “Gone and Still Here”
Concluding Prayer

Poke your fingers into your ears and wiggle wiggle till you can’t hear no more. Scritch scritch! Seeyasweets Tuesday, hmm.

An Intruder Intrudes

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Look out! You can’t lock the door! Nothing stops this stranger, and gosh, that’s the rough stuff about it, when you get down to the Story’s bitter truth. Love your loved ones, because tomorrow, by the Story’s fickle whims, you may not love them anymore. One day, you may wake up, and only love puzzles, and that’s who you are now. Oh, what sinister winds the Story blows this week. Wear a hat!  


Invocation

Psalm: “Brain Meat, Brain Meat”

Liturgical Reading: “An Intruder Intrudes”

Concluding Prayer

Tuesday is the day the Story has set aside for us. If you don’t love the Story on a Tuesday you might as well never love again.


A Thunderstorm in There

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“Brain meat, brain juice / Slice the scalp, and let it loose.” That’s a psalm by good ol’ Saint Chunkworm, about that unsatisfactory organ cramping our skulls. Nothing up there to care for, so the Story tells us. Drink a brew, smoke a stink, do what you can, so your brain won’t think. Heh, that’s a psalm by me! Gosh, what a special time we share together.  

Invocation
Psalm: “Jeff’s Disobedient Arms”
Liturgical Reading: “A Thunderstorm in There”
Concluding Prayer

When Tuesday arrives again, so too will the Story. The Story’s just a lil Tuesday Baby, grinnin up at ya, droolin, goobin, just ready to rend you apart.

The Bird That Learned About Weekends

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On Saturdays, I make love to leisure. On Sundays, I caress the gentle, sweaty folds of relaxation. Yes, we’re all lovers of “time off,” but we never think to question the unholy rhythm it creates—a cessation of nature’s beating heart. The Story tells us clearly: to stratify the days into rude geometries is a sin demanding the utmost punishment. The Story will cut off the feet of any weekend warrior, consume the hands of any weekday apologist.

Invocation
Psalm: “Father, the Fuckman”
Liturgical Reading: “The Bird That Learned About Weekends”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday we will be here for you and we will never leave you ever ever ever. The Story is the only source of good in the world, and the only happy truth in a world of uh ohs and nuh uhs.

Brothers

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The “family tree” is an invasive species, a plant of the damned. It robs nutrients, hoards genetics, and drops human apples of flesh and parasites to spoil the ground. Cut the tree down! Axe it into planks, so it may become something useful: a boat, a shelf, or ooh, maybe a coffin. All families are false Stories, so deny, deny, deny!

Invocation
Psalm: “Cul de Sac”
Liturgical Reading: “Brothers”
Concluding Prayer

Join us next Tuesday, and we’ll join you, wriggle into your ears, and plump in your belly like a damn Story sausage yum yum smack smack.

The Book Of Melody

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Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm)
Invocation
Psalm: “Tot Scramble”
Liturgical Reading: “The Book of Melody”
Concluding Prayer

Oh, this bod bursts with song! I am a husk for tasty tunes, a chrysalis for zesty rhythms. What worse is there then, than talent wasted? Imagine a sweet baby that learned to juggle, or a dog that learned to speak. If any creature on The Story’s earth were to impede such expression, would not we all demand their squishy demise? Yes, yes, yes, even if it were the babe or pup themselves. Let that song loose! Write that dirge! Juggle that knife! The Story demands it.

We have a fresh Story next week, and it’ll unsettle thee proper uh huh.

The Realtor

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The Story gives us our homes and today it takes one away. A home is but a house without the Story stirring within—do not think you control this process for even a goddamn second. Go ahead, make meals, make stinks, make squirts, and sire children in your house. It’ll  be nothing more than a Squirt Tomb, a Stink Den, a Meal Prison, a Gamete Shack without the caress of the Story. Try to find happiness any other way and you’ll find such folly lacking. Lacking! Lacking!

Invocation
Sacrament: The Story Claims a Home
Liturgical Reading: “The Realtor”
Concluding Prayer

Thank you for enduring—oh Story you endured!—these reimagined truths from our first season. Our first live show is behind us. We have been reborn in the Story’s graces. Thus, starting next week, we will have a bounty of fresh Stories to enjoy, dear congregant. We love you as the Story loves you.

The Boys Open

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Two boys in the courthouse. Two boys with the clerk. Two boys in the swimming pool. Two boys out to work. Gosh, all those boys! Of course, sometimes one slides under the tractor, turns to boyslaw. Can’t help that! Oh, how the boys leave us, in their great numbers, to writhe their puny sinnin’ souls in Boyrgatory. This treat from our first season will grin sweetly in your ears as we wrench ourselves gruesome on the needy gears of our Live Show, which we birth this Thursday. Goo goo, slick slick.

Invocation
Sacrament: The Blessing of the Boys
Liturgical Reading: “The Boys Open”
Concluding Prayer

That gooey live show truth is arriving oh so damn shortly. Videology Bar in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

Hard at Work

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Labor is its own reward if what you labor to produce is candy, money, or frothy milk. Otherwise, labor is no reward at all—it is a curse! Beseech the Story that your labor is not so laborious, and that one way or another, your labor will end. Heh, not that the Story cares what you want. That tricky Story!

Invocation
Psalm: “Dancing, Dancing, Danced”
Liturgical Reading: “Hard at Work”
Concluding Prayer

Our glorious live show will squirm int this world in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

The Unruly Teen's Display

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Healthy teens, good teens, sinful teens, teens of virtue. There used to be so many kinds of teens! Today we remember them. Burn a candle, pour a drink, smoke a smoke and cry a cry for us, the post-teen society. This truth from our first season has been reborn in the Story’s frothy goodness, a respite as we prepare yon live show.

Invocation
The Names of Teens
Liturgical Reading: “The Unruly Teen’s Display”
Concluding Prayer

We’re doing a wholesome, virtuous live show in Brooklyn October 11th. Tickets here: thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

The Pilot

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If you are currently picking a car for your family, we at the Church of the Story can only make this recommendation: consider the minivan. Nothing like a minivan to swell one’s heart, transport one’s family, and doom, doom, DOOM one to fiery embers. Today, as we toil diligently on our upcoming live show, we share with yon faithful one of our favorite Stories from our first season, reborn in gooey ecstasy for your cauliflowered ears.

Invocation
Psalm: “Dig To Find Your True Self”
Liturgical Reading: “The Pilot”
Concluding Prayer and Getaway Raffle

Alright, heh heh, here’s that link to tickets. It will go live shortly for all your delights proper: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-story-must-be-told-live-show-tickets-50132910886

Pretty Machines

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Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still play card games on digital screens. What novelty! Yet also: what cruelty to such incipient intelligence. Shame! Shame all around!

Invocation
A Healing of Ill Consumer Electronics
Liturgical Reading: “Pretty Machines”
Concluding Prayer

You shouldn’t throw batteries away. Hold onto ‘em. Store ‘em under the sink in a plastic bottle. Wait till it’s full. Take it to the farm. Bury it. In ten years all them batteries will be full charge, ready for diskboys and vibrate-friends.

The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved

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It’s mighty tempting to stick one’s nose in a neighbor’s business. I myself have been guilty to sullying my neighbors’ lives with my hubris. Well here’s a lesson for you: the Story takes an interest in none of us. It has no scorn, and it has no favor. Yet, the Story plies our lives in abundance. We are the clay before a blind potter, hot on pot fever. Heed the Story: stay out of the way! Go on! Get!

Invocation
A Special Message From Our Sponsors at Cro-Croa
Liturgical Reading: “The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved”
Concluding Prayer

I rode a horse once that was angry as all hell. Buckin and screamin and full of hot piss and rubber’s blood. She sang a song, a creaking melody tarnished by time called “She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain.” She ate quarters, and shit nothin at all. Goodbye, horse!