The Story Must Be Told

A Thunderstorm in There

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“Brain meat, brain juice / Slice the scalp, and let it loose.” That’s a psalm by good ol’ Saint Chunkworm, about that unsatisfactory organ cramping our skulls. Nothing up there to care for, so the Story tells us. Drink a brew, smoke a stink, do what you can, so your brain won’t think. Heh, that’s a psalm by me! Gosh, what a special time we share together.  

Invocation
Psalm: “Jeff’s Disobedient Arms”
Liturgical Reading: “A Thunderstorm in There”
Concluding Prayer

When Tuesday arrives again, so too will the Story. The Story’s just a lil Tuesday Baby, grinnin up at ya, droolin, goobin, just ready to rend you apart.

The Bird That Learned About Weekends

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On Saturdays, I make love to leisure. On Sundays, I caress the gentle, sweaty folds of relaxation. Yes, we’re all lovers of “time off,” but we never think to question the unholy rhythm it creates—a cessation of nature’s beating heart. The Story tells us clearly: to stratify the days into rude geometries is a sin demanding the utmost punishment. The Story will cut off the feet of any weekend warrior, consume the hands of any weekday apologist.

Invocation
Psalm: “Father, the Fuckman”
Liturgical Reading: “The Bird That Learned About Weekends”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday we will be here for you and we will never leave you ever ever ever. The Story is the only source of good in the world, and the only happy truth in a world of uh ohs and nuh uhs.

Brothers

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The “family tree” is an invasive species, a plant of the damned. It robs nutrients, hoards genetics, and drops human apples of flesh and parasites to spoil the ground. Cut the tree down! Axe it into planks, so it may become something useful: a boat, a shelf, or ooh, maybe a coffin. All families are false Stories, so deny, deny, deny!

Invocation
Psalm: “Cul de Sac”
Liturgical Reading: “Brothers”
Concluding Prayer

Join us next Tuesday, and we’ll join you, wriggle into your ears, and plump in your belly like a damn Story sausage yum yum smack smack.

The Book Of Melody

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Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm)
Invocation
Psalm: “Tot Scramble”
Liturgical Reading: “The Book of Melody”
Concluding Prayer

Oh, this bod bursts with song! I am a husk for tasty tunes, a chrysalis for zesty rhythms. What worse is there then, than talent wasted? Imagine a sweet baby that learned to juggle, or a dog that learned to speak. If any creature on The Story’s earth were to impede such expression, would not we all demand their squishy demise? Yes, yes, yes, even if it were the babe or pup themselves. Let that song loose! Write that dirge! Juggle that knife! The Story demands it.

We have a fresh Story next week, and it’ll unsettle thee proper uh huh.

The Realtor

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The Story gives us our homes and today it takes one away. A home is but a house without the Story stirring within—do not think you control this process for even a goddamn second. Go ahead, make meals, make stinks, make squirts, and sire children in your house. It’ll  be nothing more than a Squirt Tomb, a Stink Den, a Meal Prison, a Gamete Shack without the caress of the Story. Try to find happiness any other way and you’ll find such folly lacking. Lacking! Lacking!

Invocation
Sacrament: The Story Claims a Home
Liturgical Reading: “The Realtor”
Concluding Prayer

Thank you for enduring—oh Story you endured!—these reimagined truths from our first season. Our first live show is behind us. We have been reborn in the Story’s graces. Thus, starting next week, we will have a bounty of fresh Stories to enjoy, dear congregant. We love you as the Story loves you.

The Boys Open

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Two boys in the courthouse. Two boys with the clerk. Two boys in the swimming pool. Two boys out to work. Gosh, all those boys! Of course, sometimes one slides under the tractor, turns to boyslaw. Can’t help that! Oh, how the boys leave us, in their great numbers, to writhe their puny sinnin’ souls in Boyrgatory. This treat from our first season will grin sweetly in your ears as we wrench ourselves gruesome on the needy gears of our Live Show, which we birth this Thursday. Goo goo, slick slick.

Invocation
Sacrament: The Blessing of the Boys
Liturgical Reading: “The Boys Open”
Concluding Prayer

That gooey live show truth is arriving oh so damn shortly. Videology Bar in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

Hard at Work

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Labor is its own reward if what you labor to produce is candy, money, or frothy milk. Otherwise, labor is no reward at all—it is a curse! Beseech the Story that your labor is not so laborious, and that one way or another, your labor will end. Heh, not that the Story cares what you want. That tricky Story!

Invocation
Psalm: “Dancing, Dancing, Danced”
Liturgical Reading: “Hard at Work”
Concluding Prayer

Our glorious live show will squirm int this world in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

The Unruly Teen's Display

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Healthy teens, good teens, sinful teens, teens of virtue. There used to be so many kinds of teens! Today we remember them. Burn a candle, pour a drink, smoke a smoke and cry a cry for us, the post-teen society. This truth from our first season has been reborn in the Story’s frothy goodness, a respite as we prepare yon live show.

Invocation
The Names of Teens
Liturgical Reading: “The Unruly Teen’s Display”
Concluding Prayer

We’re doing a wholesome, virtuous live show in Brooklyn October 11th. Tickets here: thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

The Pilot

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If you are currently picking a car for your family, we at the Church of the Story can only make this recommendation: consider the minivan. Nothing like a minivan to swell one’s heart, transport one’s family, and doom, doom, DOOM one to fiery embers. Today, as we toil diligently on our upcoming live show, we share with yon faithful one of our favorite Stories from our first season, reborn in gooey ecstasy for your cauliflowered ears.

Invocation
Psalm: “Dig To Find Your True Self”
Liturgical Reading: “The Pilot”
Concluding Prayer and Getaway Raffle

Alright, heh heh, here’s that link to tickets. It will go live shortly for all your delights proper: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-story-must-be-told-live-show-tickets-50132910886

Pretty Machines

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Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still play card games on digital screens. What novelty! Yet also: what cruelty to such incipient intelligence. Shame! Shame all around!

Invocation
A Healing of Ill Consumer Electronics
Liturgical Reading: “Pretty Machines”
Concluding Prayer

You shouldn’t throw batteries away. Hold onto ‘em. Store ‘em under the sink in a plastic bottle. Wait till it’s full. Take it to the farm. Bury it. In ten years all them batteries will be full charge, ready for diskboys and vibrate-friends.

The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved

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It’s mighty tempting to stick one’s nose in a neighbor’s business. I myself have been guilty to sullying my neighbors’ lives with my hubris. Well here’s a lesson for you: the Story takes an interest in none of us. It has no scorn, and it has no favor. Yet, the Story plies our lives in abundance. We are the clay before a blind potter, hot on pot fever. Heed the Story: stay out of the way! Go on! Get!

Invocation
A Special Message From Our Sponsors at Cro-Croa
Liturgical Reading: “The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved”
Concluding Prayer

I rode a horse once that was angry as all hell. Buckin and screamin and full of hot piss and rubber’s blood. She sang a song, a creaking melody tarnished by time called “She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain.” She ate quarters, and shit nothin at all. Goodbye, horse!

Rugged Boy Fancy Kit

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Oh, you can’t hide from the Story. The Story finds us in cars, in hospitals, in our cousin’s bathroom and on air-o-planes. The Story finds us, traps us, advances until we’re scared in the corner with a knife in our hand, and then—and ONLY THEN—does it spread its glimmering grin upon us. Just pray it is the Story you love, and not a false, consumer god, for our Story lasts longer than plastic and pleases better than ANY cream.

Invocation
Sacrament: Confession
Liturgical Reading: “Rugged Boy Fancy Kit”
Concluding Prayer

Huff yon lungs gentle until our next Tuesday glory, lest they pop on the Story’s sinister wind.

Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town

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Gather your children, all the ones you care to, for our service. The Story will invoke in them the rigor of the student, the angst of the sergeant, the filth of the drifter, and the scar of the unrepentant. The Story’s got warnings, children, but also: discipline. And scorn! Grow up! Hurry! Before the good gettings all got!

Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting, The Week Of)

Invocation
Psalm: “Ghost Love/Ghost Love 2”
Liturgical Reading: “Magic Mary And Freddy Fox Go To Magic Town”
Concluding Prayer

We have beauties ahead, and glories abound. Our flock it gathers.

The Chimera's Nest

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ABOUT THIS CHUNKY GREASER:

Welcome to our cleansing fire, congregant. Go ahead and toss your squirming bundle onto the pyre if you like—if you’re listening from home, add it to your own fire. O! that char gets the nose tingling. O! how it envigors the soul. We all must be tamed by Story, and if we cannot, must perish in the Church’s hearth for our disobedience. Tell me: what is your shame?

Invocation
Song: “Flapping Bird”

Liturgical Reading: “The Chimera’s Nest”
Concluding Prayer

We will return next week, cleansed of our unruly animals and congregants. Heh, maybe we’ll have a few extra seats in the pews.

The Boat That Went To Hell

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All kinds of boats out there, with funny names, too. Brigantine. Schooner. Paddle. In a way, this here church is a boat, and each of you a mate upon its deck. Swab it, dear congregation, to earn your place in the captain’s chambers amidst the dribbling candles and ill-gotten liquors. Do not drink too much, for the captain is one of lechery, and our destination one of sin and tears.

Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7)

Invocation
Psalm: “Secrets to Sailors”
Liturgical Reading: “The Boat That Went to Hell”
Concluding Prayer

Yep yep we gobbled that story down like a pastry of vice n uh ohs. What sweet it hath delected upon us, we unfaithful masses, who stir with what the Story hath sired.

Oh, Poor Dennis!

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Parishioner Chet Ulcers told me a story, and I can’t help but relate it to today’s service. He said he saw his wife at the movies last week. Well, she wasn’t in the seat next to him. She wasn’t in the lobby. Course, for as long as she’d been dead, she shouldn’t have been anywhere. He saw her on the screen—big as a row boat. She was in the back of a Cro-Croa ad, dressed the way Chet said she was buried. Heh, she didn’t smile, heh he, but she sure waved.

Invocation
Psalm: “A Pestilence of Babies”
Liturgical Reading: “Oh Poor Dennis”
Concluding Prayer

Everyone wrote a poem last week, and we said we’d pick our favorite one for this week’s bulletin. The winning poem was written by eight-year-old Jeck Hefthocks, and it goes like this: Can’t rub life / into a dead cat / unless thems the hands / that snuffed it. Uh oh, he’s a tricksterrr.

Who Is Your Milky Boy?

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ABOUT THIS MILKY FRESH:

t ain’t easy to sire a child with spoiled milk, nuh uh. Stretch on some gloves, milk yon squirters into an old Cro-Croa bottle, and bring yon pride to our collection. We have bottles dappled with sweat, others hot as irons, and some just fulla dregs—pathetic milks I hate to say. What of your milk? Drop a drip, and let us inspect.

Guest preacher: Brother Daniel Tamborelli (Danny and Mike podcast, Jounce)

Invocation
Psalm: “Restaurant Milk”
Liturgical Reading: “Who Is Your Milky Boy?”
Concluding Prayer

Hoo hoo, I been cutting out the prettiest faces I’ve seen in magazines and now I have an envelope full of beauty. Gonna leave their grinning faces in milk overnight, and eat it like curdles in the morning. I will be full of yon soggy beauts come noon.

An Awaited Transformation

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Sister Callista is a cherub-throated truth-slinger, and she slings it hard n soupy uh huh. There’s truths about Grandmas the Story wants you to know. You better keep them waxy caverns open, so the Story might sluice through yon meat, and transform ye into the acolyte the Story demands. Take a tract, and bend yon knee.

Invocation
Psalm: “Lil Dog-Fresh”
Liturgical Reading: “An Awaited Transformation”
Concluding Prayer

I saw a grandpa in my dreams and he was a crusty yuckyuck, hairless as a piglet and smaller than a wheelchair. Heh, you wouldn’t believe that grin, when I shared my truth with sprays of oralingus divine.

More More More Important Short Stories

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ABOUT THIS HEALTHY LIL STEAMER:

Purkley Katzman died in an industrial accident. Got peeled like a dang grape by one of them machines used to stretch leather. Big juicy mess—everyone had a taste. Anyhow, he ain't here for short stories anymore, but you're in luck: Klipplinghands Greasythoughts is his virtuous son. Sniff up these shorts, then pass out from brain-asphyxiation, in the words of our dear STORY.

Invocation
Psalm: “Coat Closet Stink”
Liturgical Reading: “More More More Important Short Stories”
Concluding Prayer

Ooh ouch ouch, somethin in my bladder is pinching. Might be all them ants I let crawl up my urethra. Stings? Sure. But, hey, at least I'm never alone.

When Dominoes Pizza Let a Teen Die

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ABOUT THIS LIL STINKER:

Wear that grin between grease-soaked lips and chew the curds of delights digested. Let the bolus yon esophagus squelches die within ye, to turn to dribbling juices and bubbles of harsh swampen gases. We are bodies, host to parasites, tomb of delivery delicacies, avatar of corporate wisdom. Listen closely to Reverend Holden, and become a proper truth, mm hmm. Follow his words, and pick a brand with consideration; it may be the only brand you’ll pick again.

Guest Preacher: Reverend Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, holdenatorsho on Twitch)

Invocation
Psalm: “Pizza Party Ire”
Liturgical Reading: “When Dominoes Pizza Let a Teen Die”
Concluding Prayer

Guess it should be said that all characters and events in this story, even the ones based on real breathing gooey companies, are fictional. Though, c’mon, it’s probably not that fictional, right? Maybe a grease of truth dripped somewhere within? Hey. Don’t sue.