The Story Must Be Told

The Ballad of Prepsa

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ABOUT THIS BLESSED PSALM:

Bubbles pop in my belly, a carbonated delight fizzles righteously. CRO-CROA. Mmm it goes down so smooth, and probably because it’s the only drink endorsed by the Story. So what then, does this mean of the “other drink” we refuse to name but must do so here? Yes. Yes: Prepsi. Listen and do discover, uh huh. For nothing righteous does fizzle from a liquid the Story denies.

Invocation
Introductory Story: “Goslings Gone Gooey”
Liturgical Psalm: “The Ballad of Prepsa”
Concluding Prayer

We return to you the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, until your bones are but calcified Story and your liquids but Hot Hot Cro-Croa.

New York City Girl

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ABOUT THIS LIL GREASY ONE:

Tee hee hee, the Story has a Story planned for you. Rough mornings, rude meetings, bad days, and rotten weeks, the Story has orchestrated each and every one. Ask yourself: why does the Story demand such punishment? Will it ever relent? Then answer yourself with a giddy, shrieking: NO.

Invocation
Psalm: “Rocks, Rocks, Rocks”
Liturgical Reading: “New York City Girl”
The Secret Words of the Story

Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.

The Bear Musician - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks

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The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cowardice before the agony of Story. This Story originally appeared in "Creepypasta XIII: A Meat's Dream" on Last Podcast on the Left. We relive this Story—sup upon its eager drips!

Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7)
Invocation
Psalm: “Check the Trunk”
Liturgical Reading: “The Bear Musician”
Concluding Prayer

Enjoy this special treat of Story pure. We return on Tuesday with your regularly scheduled service, sweet sweet.

More More More More More More More Short Stories

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

These stories are like the screams from Purkley Katzman's gnashing mouth as the gears did their work upon him: short, savory, juice-juicy. We honor stories both short and long, but today we hold a special place for those truths that punish the ear quickly. Sup upon each, and yearn! Yearn!

Invocation
Psalm: “I'm a Gym Teacher”
Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More More More Short Stories”
Concluding Prayer

The Story is ripe, and we chew it up and honk it down. Honk one with us next week as well, ooh ooh.

Ghosts Are Hazy Life

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Life is a spectrum, full of mushy inbetweens only alive enough to know pain. Not everything which is dead was once alive, but all that lives, however minutely, does perish. Ha! Haha! The Story teaches us even full life is but half life, and half life is but a web of memories disappearing. Squint and you can see it, but how easily it is brushed to threads. So the Story sayeth: ooooooOOooooohhhhh.

Invocation
Psalm: “The Agony Table”
Liturgical Reading: “Ghosts Are Hazy Life”
Concluding Prayer

Truths abound, Stories enflamed, we love the Story, we speak Its name. See your fresh greases next week squish squish.

Heart Of Worms

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Say goodbye to who you used to be, because the Story will replace your eyes, your mind, and your heart. O Story! Hollow me out, dump the refuse in the shitter, and fill me up with the ignorant stranger of Story. I don’t want to recognize my family, nor my dog. But I will always recognize the Story—obedient and eternal.


Invocation

Psalm: “Come Get Your Casserole”

Liturgical Reading: “Heart of Worms”

Concluding Prayer

Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.


The Wind

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Wooosh wooosh that’s the wind and it says, “I’m gonna getcha.” Oh, that nasty wind, always blowing foul tidings down our chimney, stirring ashes and breaking branches. Today, we read a Story about such a wind, and bow our heads in contrition so that it does not visit us.

Invocation
Psalm: “Seven Roys”
Liturgical Reading: “The Wind”
Concluding Prayer

Next week we will return with a Story true, hearts a-bursting, bowels a-rattling.

The House of Crispo Part II

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Brother Reid has recovered, though his mind is scrambled like a blood egg. He returns to finish the Story, and gulp of the Story’s fine juices. Boys grow disobedient, but the Story rectifies all trespasses through the purifying agony of Story. Story!

Invocation

Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 2”

Concluding Prayer

We love you and enjoy your presence. Join us again next Tuesday, perhaps on Spotify if you’re naughty heh heh.

Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”
vimeo.com/226796022
Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:
vimeo.com/297286015


The House of Crispo

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ABOUT THIS HOT, FRESH TRUTH:

Cherish the disobedient child. Cherish their ignorance. For only the rude and stupid can be enveloped into the heart of the Story. It is our duty to bring new, empty minds to the Story, to our homes, so it may fill them with the light of Story. Oh Story! May we harvest a human crop for you.

Invocation
Psalm: “The Light of the Father”
Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday we return. Next Tuesday, we finish this.

Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”
vimeo.com/226796022
Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:
vimeo.com/297286015

The Son of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

I’ll make you my son if you don’t behave, and you won’t like what happens to my sons. Ohh they do ALL of daddy’s chores, and of mommy they must anoint. It’s a threat, and it’s TRUE, whether you are mother, aunt, or nephew, you’ll all suffer as sons. This Story is a testament to how easily a son is named and exchanged, and how all sons grow inconvenienced on the turbulent winds of discourse.

Invocation
Psalm: “Anointed in Yoghurt”
Liturgical Reading: “The Son of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday is a day for treats, as the Story is once again gooily invoked.

Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”
vimeo.com/226796022
Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:
vimeo.com/297286015

Farm Fresh

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

The uterus should be called “the Story box” because it is where all our Stories begin! Nothing invigorates the Story like the squeals of an infant in the wet folds of a mother, or better yet, two infants, or three or four! Today, we hear the Story of a man who becomes mother, whose Story box writhed with Stories blessed.

Guest Preacher: Jared Logan (@JaredLogan)

Invocation

Psalm: “Cornshit”

Liturgical Reading: “Farm Fresh”

Concluding Prayer


Hoo hoo, hee hee, the Story dies and the story breathes. Next Tuesday, it will gunk us full of a new truth.


Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”

https://vimeo.com/226796022

Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:

https://vimeo.com/297286015


Overheard at the Party

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Many of you attended parties recently, to ring in a false year endorsed by no Story but by the liar we call “Calendar.” Do not congregate, least of all for the ringing of a false bell. For, by attending any gathering the Story does not endorse, you fall prey to every rude temptation! Illicit wares, rowdy conversation, and sounds you cannot unhear. Stay home, warm yourself with but the Story, and abandon any friend the Story does not already claim.

Invocation
Psalm: “A Thing Going ‘Round”
Liturgical Reading: “Overheard at the Party”
Concluding Prayer

This Story had to be told, and next week another will beg for similar justice. Ohhh, we cannot deny you.

Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy”
vimeo.com/226796022
Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service:
vimeo.com/297286015

Bonus Episode: The Stories of Heretical Christmas

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ABOUT THIS SEASONAL DELIGHT:

Our hearts are burdened with love for you, our dear congregation. Our arteries are full of well wishes! Our veins are clogged with oxygen-depleted wishes. We are a chugging machine whose only duty is to love you and make you feel the seasonal spirit of the Story.

That said, Christmas is a lie. Reject falsehood. Embrace the Story!

Invocation
Liturgical Reading: "The Wisest of the Them All"
Liturgical Reading: "He's Coming to Town"

Enjoy this present from the clergy here at The Story Must Be Told, of our heretical stories of the false holiday. We gave it to you last year, too. We will have another treat for you this coming Tuesday, so prepare yon bodies for the delights they shall endure.

We Wish You Were a Worm

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Dirt is a home for those who eat dirt, who take long naps in dirt, and mate, sloppy, in the dirt. As our bodies fall apart and our guts squish with painful gases, remember the dirt, a healthy place you will one day go. Have you considered how happy it will make your family?

Invocation
Psalm: “Rodney Has Sores”
Liturgical Reading: “We Wish You Were a Worm”
Concluding Prayer

The Story is born on a Tuesday, every Tuesday, and you better believe the next birth will be messsssssy.

Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” @tsmbtpod or our SoundCloud.

The Mathematics of Grocery Stores

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

The grocer is our friend in commerce and our enemy in the Story. We do not deserve options for cereal, nor variety in our nut butters, whole wheat crackers, and lunchmeat. Give us but one choice, so that we might smack it up in our greedy mouths, and masticate masticate masticate. Hmmph. The Story alone is our satisfaction, and when food runs out, which it will, it alone will fill us.

Invocation
Psalm: “Web of Delights”
Liturgical Reading: “The Mathematics of Grocery Stores”
Concluding Admonition

The Story will return to you next week, hot as a ham, juicy as a coldcut. Sup sup!

It's My Right

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Every show on TV is sinful, shameful, and lacking in the Story. Does society and mainstream media intentionally shun the Story and its truths, or is it simply blind? The result is the same: the Story denies you. Listen as the Story denies our own congregant, Devon Harris, his simple joys, body, and sustenance. Listen, and learn this lesson: even at our lowest, the Story is yet waiting.

Invocation
Testimony: Devon Harris, divorcee
Liturgical Reading: “It’s My Right”
Concluding Sacrament
Spitting

Next week the Story will be waiting, for it exists in all weeks, outside of weeks—the Story is the week itself.

Gone and Still Here

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

The songs I hear on the radio talk to me, and what they say no one should hear. Everything talks. The city breathes and sighs, and the fields caw and cry. Every creature makes sound, but not all are heard. Sometimes, a voice is lost, muffled, suffocated. Silence is proof of immeasurable loss.

Invocation
Psalm: “A Father’s Deception”
Liturgical Reading: “Gone and Still Here”
Concluding Prayer

Poke your fingers into your ears and wiggle wiggle till you can’t hear no more. Scritch scritch! Seeyasweets Tuesday, hmm.

An Intruder Intrudes

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About this episode:

Look out! You can’t lock the door! Nothing stops this stranger, and gosh, that’s the rough stuff about it, when you get down to the Story’s bitter truth. Love your loved ones, because tomorrow, by the Story’s fickle whims, you may not love them anymore. One day, you may wake up, and only love puzzles, and that’s who you are now. Oh, what sinister winds the Story blows this week. Wear a hat!  


Invocation

Psalm: “Brain Meat, Brain Meat”

Liturgical Reading: “An Intruder Intrudes”

Concluding Prayer

Tuesday is the day the Story has set aside for us. If you don’t love the Story on a Tuesday you might as well never love again.


A Thunderstorm in There

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

“Brain meat, brain juice / Slice the scalp, and let it loose.” That’s a psalm by good ol’ Saint Chunkworm, about that unsatisfactory organ cramping our skulls. Nothing up there to care for, so the Story tells us. Drink a brew, smoke a stink, do what you can, so your brain won’t think. Heh, that’s a psalm by me! Gosh, what a special time we share together.  

Invocation
Psalm: “Jeff’s Disobedient Arms”
Liturgical Reading: “A Thunderstorm in There”
Concluding Prayer

When Tuesday arrives again, so too will the Story. The Story’s just a lil Tuesday Baby, grinnin up at ya, droolin, goobin, just ready to rend you apart.

The Bird That Learned About Weekends

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

On Saturdays, I make love to leisure. On Sundays, I caress the gentle, sweaty folds of relaxation. Yes, we’re all lovers of “time off,” but we never think to question the unholy rhythm it creates—a cessation of nature’s beating heart. The Story tells us clearly: to stratify the days into rude geometries is a sin demanding the utmost punishment. The Story will cut off the feet of any weekend warrior, consume the hands of any weekday apologist.

Invocation
Psalm: “Father, the Fuckman”
Liturgical Reading: “The Bird That Learned About Weekends”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday we will be here for you and we will never leave you ever ever ever. The Story is the only source of good in the world, and the only happy truth in a world of uh ohs and nuh uhs.