The Story Must Be Told

How Do You Torture It?

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us like pain, especially when it’s for another. 


Guest Preacher: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast)

Invocation

A Surprise for a Lost Woman

Liturgical Reading: “How Do You Torture It?”

Concluding Prayer


The Story is hiding inside you. Take a spoon and find it!


There When You Need Me

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

When the sick have fallen, do you bend your sweet lil knee? Oooh, do you squat those hams, look your sweaty neighbor in the eye and say, "You alright, my good friend?" Yeah yeah, don't tell me your secrets, no no, keep that to yourself. Listen righteously, because this one "happened."

Invocation
Demonstration of A Novel Life Saving Technique/GreaCR
Liturgical Reading: “There When You Need Me”
Concluding Prayer

No! I said, "don't tell me your secrets!" Well, that does it. Yeah, I didn't want to know your secrets, but now I do. Yep, heh heh, every gosh darn one. Now you have to come back. Otherwise I'll tell Uncle Garnns what you did to his cherry tomatoes one after another after ANOTHER.

Burying

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Unsolicited acts of violence are the yeast that makes the doughy truth of Story rise, overfill Its pan, and crisp on the oven floor. Bash! Ungh! Guuugh. Yeah, sometimes these Stories get grisly, and when they do, we just gotta shake our heads and whisper, “ohhhh.” Enjoy this tender tale of friendship to which we can allllll relate.

Invocation

Psalm: “A Sack Full of Batteries”

Liturgical Reading: “Burying”

Concluding Prayer

Next week we return with a brand new Story for you to swallow, dissolve, and absorb.


Goats and Sheep

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Yeah this one’s for Chalms. That sweet tot, so sickly, so goo goo gooey. We found him in a tree! Reflect, as Chalms must, on the end of all days, when the good are divided from the evil. Witness as the false Story some call “Lord” does their regular spring cleaning of humanity.

Invocation

Petitions for Chalms

Liturgical Reading: “Goats and Sheep”

Concluding Prayer

Yes yes, this week’s Story comes from our season one archives. Next week will be the same, then we return fresh, rested, and eager to instruct our congregants.


The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

When humanity is gone, the world will have a good laugh, comb its balding scalp, and ‘get back to it.’ What will the remaining species think of us, and what might they build in our shadow? The following Story is no Story at all, but a documentary that simply hasn’t happened yet! Yeah, this one is all true, yeah, this is a goddamn prophecy, a prophecy about BUGS.


Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm)


Invocation

Psalm: “I Have Decided to Live in Filth”

Liturgical Reading: “The Smallest Beetle OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1”

Concluding Prayer


Part 2 of this hissing, clicking Story will arrive next week and incapacitate you with its wholesome truth.


Iron Churnsly - Guest Preacher Jake Young

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Copper! Aluminum! Iron! These are METALS. We are made out of some of them, but only in pathetic, insulting quantities. We hardly register to magnets, and our capacity to conduct is negligible! May we scorn flesh, and praise metal! METAL—the most cost-effective conduit of Story proper.

Guest Preacher: Jake Young (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, Cartoon Hell on dropout.tv, @bestjakeyoung)

Invocation
Psalm: “Greasy”
Liturgical Reading: “Iron Churnsly”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday will be the day the Story finds you and finally robs you of your will to resist the Story.

Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

The whole world blooms with seeds, but some seeds are unknown, some pollens unnatural—what is sown surprises. We welcome all unknowns, because when they spell out our demise, they use novel letters and innovative techniques. We can learn from a grisly undoing done cleverly, but what we cannot learn is to not be undone. Darn!

Invocation
Psalm: “Hungry Man Dinner”
Liturgical Reading: “Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One”
Concluding Prayer

Return to us Tuesday and the Story will be waiting for you.

When You Watch Me

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ABOUT THIS HEFTY CHUNKLET:

This one is for you, in all your greasy splendor. Do you like it when I talk about your greases? Heh heh, yeah, that's what I thought. Ooh, you better listen to this one, because you're a part of it, and soon, it will be all you remember.

Invocation

Psalm: “How to Swallow Loose Change for the Story”

Liturgical Reading: “When You Watch Me"

Concluding Prayer

We return on Tuesdays, Tuesday-style, and this next Tuesday will be no exception—OK?

Hoofs and Feet

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ABOUT THIS SWEET NEWBORN EPISODE:

A barnyard animal makes barnyard noises and behaves as though all the world, the very universe, is a barnyard. They kick up mud, and make a toilet of any dang carpet. We can learn gentle grace from our barnyard companions! We can learn to “take it easy,” and make our puddle wherever we do choose. Oh Story! Thank you for your profound examples to us, the congregation.

Invocation
Psalm: “Cory Had a Little Lamb”
Liturgical Reading: “Hoofs and Feet”
Concluding Prayer

Tuesday is the day the Story comes to life, groans sweetly, and crawls inside your ear. It’ll happen to you next Tuesday, squirm-style.

The New Consciousness in Town

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ABOUT THIS GREASY PLOPPIN’ TRUTH:

Few people die while waiting for an oil change. This Story seeks to change that. What better time to lay down and offer oneself to the Story than while your Oldsmobile undergoes a transformation from car sickly to car pure and fresh? Some of you might remember this Story from our lost, forgotten, “first season,” and it has returned to you like an obedient pup. Plump upon it, this episode of bonus Story truth.

Invocation
Psalm: “Drip”
Liturgical Reading: “The New Consciousness in Town”
Concluding Prayer

On Tuesday, we will be right and proper for you, dripping in the grease of Story profound.

Goodbye Hirsutaline

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Shh! Listen quietly! Ears listen, and someone is out there, aiming to take the Story down. Keep the Story inside you, like swallowing a big chunky pill called “Story.” Some pills are easy to swallow, but this one might catch inside you, or smear your greases with unknown side effects. Rub your tum, eat a cracker, and hold tight as we figure this alllll out.

Invocation
Psalm: “New Hair”
Liturgical Reading: “Goodbye Hirsutaline”
Concluding Prayer

Let’s promise each other, if we make it through this, we’ll meet here, in this same spot, for another Story pure. I love you.

The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in "Quick and Furious"

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Cardinal Larson is full of the Story’s writhing vigor, yet he thirsts! Even those bursting with the Story’s hefty goodness still demand a tangy Cro-Croa. But when shipments of the Story’s fizzy truth go missing, what is a Cardinal to do? Listen here, you hot shit, and plump on this here tale of deceit, classic Italian dishes, and Story pure.

Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Brighter Side podcast)

Invocation

Psalm: “Look Out Corpse Doctor”

The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious”

Concluding Prayer

Tuesday will come around again, like a goddamn rash. Don’t use lotion!


The Interceptor Part II

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

"The Story teased us true, teased us to deplete / If you only heard part 1, you knew Story incomplete." That’s a little couplet about the ignorance of even THINKING you could handle part 2 of a Story profound without a part 1 first, yeah, you betcha. Here, we indulge in the conclusion of The Interceptor, and meditate on this truth: what does it take for the Story to make you happy?

Invocation
Psalm: “A Doo Ra Ree”
Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part II”
Concluding Prayer

Next Tuesday the Story will find out where you live and visit you STORYSTYLE.

A new shirt is for sale! Cro-Croa can now engulf you proper: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast/products/lpn-ts-crocroa

The Interceptor Part I

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

The human head is an opaque aquarium within which rude fish do swim. A fish named “envy,” an eel named “fantasy,” a crab so gross it should not be named. Who would wish to swim these waters, knowing how easy it is to be bitten?

Invocation

Psalm: “Hardyy”

Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part 1”

Concluding Prayer

Join us next Tuesday for the joyous conclusion: The Interceptor Part 2.

A new shirt is for sale, to Cro-Croa the Story all over thee: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast/products/lpn-ts-crocroa


Flies!

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

Pardon our various infestations: ants, dogs, and wretchedness. Yes, the body of the church swarms with pestilence, but there is no cure. The best we can do is find good in the unwelcome, adapt our lives to enjoy nuisance.

Invocation
Psalm: “Not Tapioca”
Liturgical Reading: “Flies!”
Concluding Prayer

Next week we return with a fresh truth for your truthflesh to truth upon.

They Made A Strange Love - Guest Preacher Joe Pera

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ABOUT THIS TENDER HONEST STORY:

Love is like the faint reek of urine: it’s in the air. Breathe deep, brothers and sisters, and welcome the Story’s acid love into your mush of bronchial tubes. Become hamburger for your partner, mush between their fingers, and gel between their toes. Love can mean a lot, but to the Story, it means becoming a fine human paste.

Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (Joe Pera Talks with You, Dan Joe DVD Show)

Invocation
Psalm: “Rude Tattoos”
Liturgical Reading: “They Made a Strange Love”
Concluding Prayer

Join us next week, or we’ll find you.

The Ballad of Prepsa

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ABOUT THIS BLESSED PSALM:

Bubbles pop in my belly, a carbonated delight fizzles righteously. CRO-CROA. Mmm it goes down so smooth, and probably because it’s the only drink endorsed by the Story. So what then, does this mean of the “other drink” we refuse to name but must do so here? Yes. Yes: Prepsi. Listen and do discover, uh huh. For nothing righteous does fizzle from a liquid the Story denies.

Invocation
Introductory Story: “Goslings Gone Gooey”
Liturgical Psalm: “The Ballad of Prepsa”
Concluding Prayer

We return to you the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, until your bones are but calcified Story and your liquids but Hot Hot Cro-Croa.

New York City Girl

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ABOUT THIS LIL GREASY ONE:

Tee hee hee, the Story has a Story planned for you. Rough mornings, rude meetings, bad days, and rotten weeks, the Story has orchestrated each and every one. Ask yourself: why does the Story demand such punishment? Will it ever relent? Then answer yourself with a giddy, shrieking: NO.

Invocation
Psalm: “Rocks, Rocks, Rocks”
Liturgical Reading: “New York City Girl”
The Secret Words of the Story

Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.

The Bear Musician - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks

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The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cowardice before the agony of Story. This Story originally appeared in "Creepypasta XIII: A Meat's Dream" on Last Podcast on the Left. We relive this Story—sup upon its eager drips!

Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7)
Invocation
Psalm: “Check the Trunk”
Liturgical Reading: “The Bear Musician”
Concluding Prayer

Enjoy this special treat of Story pure. We return on Tuesday with your regularly scheduled service, sweet sweet.

More More More More More More More Short Stories

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

These stories are like the screams from Purkley Katzman's gnashing mouth as the gears did their work upon him: short, savory, juice-juicy. We honor stories both short and long, but today we hold a special place for those truths that punish the ear quickly. Sup upon each, and yearn! Yearn!

Invocation
Psalm: “I'm a Gym Teacher”
Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More More More Short Stories”
Concluding Prayer

The Story is ripe, and we chew it up and honk it down. Honk one with us next week as well, ooh ooh.